To do or not to do?

I happen to believe that I do not have a strong memory. But lately, with some hours spent in brooding, I realized, I never really gave a significant effort towards the past forgotten.

Now, with some effort, I am able to regain certain dapples of memory from my childhood. One thought leads to another and the memory of how I always wanted a dog gets vivid. You see, I have always loved dogs, to the extent that I researched them, their habits and actions.
Living away from your family can sometimes be lonesome. Though you have friends but sooner or later the paths diverge.

Anyway, I realized I never had a dog even though I am so keen on them. Today I can clearly see the reasons why, the practical ones, small house, both parents working, etc. - but these were beyond the rationale of a fourteen year old boy. The practical reason would not have dampened my urges, my vociferation, and I rightly remember they did not.On the contrary, I remember being told that German Shepherds lose their hair so much that these get into your lungs and make you sick. And I believed it(though my mother had a G.S. when she was young). You cannot cast the argument out as a lie, it does make sense.

See my focus is not on the dogs, neither on the veracity of before mentioned arguments(they can very well be figments of my imagination) , and though I have not thought of a title for this article, it will most certainly not be, 'Dogs as pets - boon or bane'. I am driving out at something else, just hang in there.

If you generalize, I loved and wanted to do X. Would it be good or bad, we don't know, we may later in our lives (or end of this tirade) realize, but its not of prime importance for now. There were some factors Y, which would make it a bad choice. But I am not aware of them, or give them no importance, so they are annulled. But some agent Z, hypothesize a factor Y', which makes me drop the idea of doing X. Now some years later I found out that Y' was not accurate and people who have pet dogs don't contract no lung disease. I felt in some sense, that I was robbed, not robbed exactly. I was disappointed, not on an emotional level, but on a different - rational mind level. A dejection in head is quite different from a dejection in heart (just to clarify if you are contemplating an erroneous state of my disposition).

I do not blame, obviously, the agent Z because they were cognizant of the real factors Y, but I blame my fears, wrongly based fears, which I later in my life, regret, and remind you, not from the heart but from the head. Had I not succumbed to my fears I might not have been (unnecessarily) deprived from the pleasant events, but also it would have led me in acknowledging, understanding and leaning the factors Y.

Enough of the intangible past. What is on my current things-I-would-love-to-do list? It has lost its significance, when I realized it led me to the things-I-fear. 

I fear I would not be able to live if I am detached from the civilization, and I do not mean in a lost, castaway kind of a way. I mean without cellphones, internet, gps, doctors, without these, I fear, I would not be able to survive (though my ancestors had). And then, somehow being a vagabond is engraved in my mind as being free. Discovering others and myself. But all my education and rationailities oppose this definition. 

There are a hundred reasons, that I should not leave my stable life. But I find, that by ignoring these urges and succumbing to these vicarious fears, make my life fruitless, pointless. 

By following my X, I may discover it to be harmless, attainable and satisfactory, or if not so fortunate, at least I will be cognizant of the Ys, the real reasons. Then and only then I will be happy and satisfied in my erstwhile stable life.

(I found this in some old notebook, the time when I thought to leave my job and roam across the nation as a nomad for an uncertain period of time, so that I could suppress my sporadic eccentric tendencies, and sincerely enjoy a normal life. But the trip didn't happen, obviously, as I now blog about it.)